…and then that morning i woke up and i wasn't sick any more- the pain had stopped, my skin was turning back to its pinkish self and an uncontrollable urge to not sleep came over me. It was as if the cure to all my problems was insomnia and I welcomed it back into my life as it was comforting. I was sick for 5 months- asleep for all that time only venturing outside working in a state of zombie like drowning since the looming fear of unpaid bills and accumulating debt was a horrible 5am alarm clock buzzer that never seemed to go off.

Outside its 3am and the birds are calling. I remember such nights when I would be running around town this late taking in the wonders of the street lamps as they warmed my heart in the awkward void all around me thinking of those who sleep so quietly in their beds.

Though now I am restless due to an unfortunate series of events that occurred in my day that wont be wiped out until I have hung them on my tree.

I missed out when I was sick. I missed the major headlines when I was crying in pain, turning yellow and fighting to stay afloat.

It seems that everyone had a great time at my expense when I was ill. When I wasn't there they all had their fun- they said I was faking, they said I was a slut, they said I was stupid, they said I was annoying, they said I had addition habits, they tore apart my art, they took every chance to critique who I was and all the time I was in my bed quietly sleeping confident in the trust that I had that they wouldn't do me in like a group of 5 year olds playing in a sandbox.

They sold me out and those who took pity on me told me so and my answer was "It's not surprising" because I know better. I have seen women greater than me done in by less said comments- the answer to the big problem to why people have nothing better to do in the world then to dump on you is because they really don't care in their sorry self absorbed universe.

Everyday it's a never ending ball of chaos for me. I am harassed daily over my msn by perverts. It frustrates me to the point of tears- that horrible feeling that I am seen as nothing more than a horrible object to the random people who search me out over the internet only to corner me in conversation with rude and lurid comments when my guard is down. I burst into tears when girls comment to me that I should try flirting with my bosses to get further along the line, I cry when women tell me I should move back home because I am living on my own and not saving money, I cry when co-workers try to tell me how to live my life as if its going to get fixed if I marry some stupid rich guy and spit out kids and I cry when people mock my cock-eyed optimism I portray in light of the worlds tragic horror-show nightmares.

I guess when I was out for 5 months it was everyone around me who was sick. Yet I try not to let it bother me too much since I know each morning when I wake up from my horrible nightmares in a panic fit I reassure myself in saying over and over and over "Thank god oh thank god I am me and not those bunch of horrible stupid people" because I would kill myself in a minute if I woke up and saw that the dream was really AnnK and I was one of them. I actually believe the only reason they don't wake up with the sudden urge to annihilate themselves is because they are so caught up in themselves and their self absorption they don't know the sort of ugliness they protrude.

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK cause AnnK knows it all- knows it better then you play it cause your just a silly human after all and yes you are going to die one of these days- so why can't you get over yourself for a moment? Throw me some compassion for a moment or don't throw me shit at all- I am on your side and always was… I just wish I could say the same about you for me.

On a lighter note I got my most terrific jacket with the embroidered English cross and unicorn power inlay that is an amazingly huge bowl of awesome sauce! Its super warm, covers my bumb (for tobogganing purposes) and makes me look like top quality euro-trash. I love this jacket so much I want its babies. I can zip myself up like a sausage!