Thursday, May 27, 2004
i didnt feel so hot today and felt sick and couldnt keep anything down. I think I did something to really hurt my stomach now cause im still sore and dizzy. It was kinda cool for a while back there- I took a quick nap on the couch in the afternoon and I felt like i was halucinating... i kept seeing squiggles and matrix dots flashing bright train warning in the back of my eyes. i'm resless and my body is hanging like a wet noodle.

I often wonder about him-
or maybe im boring
all i know is that i spend more time alone then ever

Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Today is my birthday!

it was kinda quiet today compared to the party I had a few days ago... i'm really happy that I got to hang out with my good friends for that day. It overshawn the terrible day of the 24th and the lousiness i feel each time its 2 days before my birthday.
Its been 4 years, so its best I put some emotions behind me and get on with everything.

So now its evening and I'm at a lost for something to do... maybe the Hippie will call me up and want to go out and be bad and drink heavily.... i'd rather go for a walk and check out those fancy looking bats I discovered living in the bell tower in the Knox Church on Main street.

Thursday, May 20, 2004
will it rain on sunday? possibly- but the show will go on.

Greg came over after hearing the good news adn we had a heart to heart talk about artwrok. He tels me he would love to do a comic again but because of his job he feels as if he has no time. I was the same way 3 years ago- If it wasnt for Gregs hard work modivating me to finish my stuff and update my site every week then i dont think i would be where i am right now.

I made a painting for Bobby, the irish girl i work with. I used the Pallet as so:
Got the photograph under a layer in Pshop and maped out where her nose and eyes rested
deleted that layer
worked from print to lay out her hair, face and so on since faces are all about placement and if you get the eyes and nose setted right everything else will fall into place
make a layer underneith to add colour
the other image was just solarized to give the finished piece an "Andy Whorhol" look

Wednesday, May 19, 2004
so Sarah, my co-worker discovered who won the Painting I did...
the local gallery, The Harop

I go in today to check it out and find out they are featuring it at the main entrance and are selling it for $300 !!!!???!!!!
not only that, they are really interested in more pieces from me!!!

EXCITING NEWS!!!!!

Ahhhhhh... recognition in the art community! AT LAST and it only took me 8 long years of hard work.

Time to hit the bricks and get stuff together fer a show me thinks....

Monday, May 17, 2004
i did so much gardening today my legs ache.
i washed the deck, pulled some weeds and trimed the hedge with my hands cause i didnt have any sheers. I just sortta tug at the spare brances of tiny trees trying to grow in. I cant let them grow in cause they would violate road obstruction rules. boo to that- i would rather have nice ol' trees then shrubs.

today was great- i spent a lot of my time outside and didnt even burn. I feel really gross, though. I should shower but i wanna wake up early and get more work done before i run off to work. I have to have my lawn ready for my birthday on sunday if im going to have everyone rawk out in it...

at least the deck is clean... i'll go at it better tommrow with a scrubbie...

the days i dont work im happy if you notice... hummmmmm... makes me think....

Friday, May 14, 2004
im feeling a bit better even though my head really hurts.

i think im more or less concerened about my little xmas tree i got and thinking he might be dying since it looks really dired out.
I started a new painting today so lets see how this one turns out. I'll post up some pics once I start geting good with it.
I found a HUGE spider with its eggs behind my door and im worried about what Im going to do with it... its going to hatch soon so i best capture the mom and then transfer the whole egg sac to the wooden bar outside the house so they'll still live... but if i have issues catching the mom i may have to do in the whole lot.

Thursday, May 13, 2004
this lady comes into my work today and is going on about this dinner theater thing she loves to go to. She's so old and blibbering about it and then suddenly I feel tears well up in my face and I get this shock
im turning 24
im not living my dream
im going to get old
im going to waste away
im going to die only wishing

and then I understood why people attach bombs to their bodies and blow stuff up. I undertood and it sickened me.

Orlando hung himself 4 years ago and I had his mom come in and remind me... please dont tell me... i cant help but know why and remeber the day cause it was 2 days before my birthday...

if i could, i'd probably hang myself.

I just cant seem to get it right anymore, every moment is like terrible dejavu and I drift from one theme to the next feeling bitter and angry looking at everything. The pains come each terrible time and im sick of it
im sick of looking this way and im sick of people treating me poorly but that has always happned
everytime I get an objectifed comment I stab a knife into my heart and cry endlessly. I cant get my anger out right.
why couldnt i have died in that car accident? why couldnt I let go when my brother pushed me into the river when i was a kid? Why couldnt I just OD and die choaking on my own vomit? Why does God keep saving me over and over again just to teatter and totter back and forth in this banality?
i have to find that out sometime

its so hot and sticky today. even when i open a window i get no relief.
Last night i cleaned everything super hard- bleached the walls, rearanged counters and shelfs, threw out things I dont need and moved appliances. Did I do it for the ants? Kinda-

it sounds as if a truck is constantly driving past my window....

maybe i should get outside a bit today and enjoy this sun... turn the fan on and let a breaze come in.

I found my next subject to paint... possibly I'll start when I get home today from work if i dont leave early.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004
so there was no blog for a few days-
sorry about that
you are lucky you have a new cartoon up

yesterday I woke up to my apartment over run with ants. All day i tried to push them back from marching in but by the evening they had taken over and i had to use poison on them.

yesterday really stank. I went to the bar and spent way too much money, got objectified by a bunch of grade-A morons there who wouldnt stop touching me funny and the whole thing made me sick and terrible to look the way i did. I went home feeling like that and finished the cartoon staying up to 2am on the prowl of cenetrpieds and other crawly things.

Monday, May 10, 2004

For those of you wondering what the painting looks like, here it is

i woke up from a ghost-like dream and my nose is bleeding.
i got this humidifyer thats supost to help that, but i did something wrong and it leaked all over my table... so i have to wait a few days for it to dry out.
Tom's at the new job today- hope that goes well for him.

I have to go to the ost office today and finsh my bills... I long for they paychecks to be done but even though im in a pinch i refuse to ask for an advance. Going to move my website soon- check to see new changes!

Saturday, May 08, 2004
I had this dream today...

I was looking at the newspaper and there was my Painting in it... it was saying that it was going up for auction for $5000 and my Artist statement was being used for half the article. I was upset and suddenly i had the painting in my hands and i was putting it on a huge piece of paper... i had to tear it a bit to get it to fit and was standing over it with my brother waiting for it to dry. We were watching a Muppets movie but one I have never seen and i was over-shawn at the direction in it. My parents were waiting for me to get ready to take me to a garage sale **which really did happen today- i got a humidifyer! no more itchy skin!** and we were driving all over the place...
I was in the shoppers drug mart trying to buy sanitary products for my skin- disinfectants, cleaning pads, gauze... I forgot my wallet and was thinking i should be buying this stuff in Zellers...

I woke up and lied there in bed looking at the darkness- then my phone rang. I lept up and it was my folks to take me to that garage sale.
When they stoped by, my dad leaned into me and whispered "its mothers day on sunday" and i chortle back rally loud "I got her something alread! I couldnt forget that, dad!"

When you live on your own and you do stuff with your parents its odd... I think I miss them more then anything when I am around them. I also cant bring myself to ask them for money for stupid things... man im so poor right now.
I look at them now and see them moving so slow... especially my mom. She's got something odd with ther hip-bone right now... I guess mother like daughter... I long for the day she quits the terrible resturant she slaves away in and can just stay at home with her books and my dad living out the end of her days happy and job-free.

They left, and I throw on some jazz station and the haunting music voids over me and into my place....
"who am i....."
"who am i....."
"who am i....."

I throw my head back and lull in the thoughts of history, religion, work and self-distruction and feel a burn in me twist to the music and the thoughts within it's simple beat...

who am i indeed

Friday, May 07, 2004
Tom got a great new job yesterday! Its time to thaw out the Chicken I have been saving for the moment he gets a job.

We went out to the Nice+Smooth evening at Nasa and met up with G and Mackie who are now newlyweds. She is so excited about going to Japan next spring for the ceramony- in Spring the Cherry Blossoms open and fall everyplace- A Sakura Wedding would be most wonderful and I hope buy next year I will have the cash saved up so I can go with them.

I'm trying not to think about work. I have one day left before the BIG weekend... amb's house warming, My painting on auction, huge chicken dinner...
i often feel as if no one likes me at work and im nothign more then a heel. I get angry too because some of the people I work with remark on how good they are with matters of GOD and the LORD but yet when it boils down to it they contradict themselfs at every turn.
The LORD says to love ALL his children- does that not mean the ones who never found him?
Jeusus says love them more
see? how i can buy into GOD and JESUS and the LORD when all i see is MISGUIDED LAMBS?

Thursday, May 06, 2004
my ankles hurt again... i think its funny i feel more refreshed lying on a sofa after 10 hours of sleep then the 10 hours of sleep.
2 more days of work and then 2 days off... i count the hours.

this weekend is the moment of truth... i really should have another painting on the go but still i have no funds for the size of canvis i want.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004
if you can take a bad shirt and wash it clean to be worn again then you can do the same thing with people...

even thought people are more complex then a shirt...

Everyting is looking green again- i can feel life swarming back into and inside... is it wed.day already? I finished another unfunny comic and i wonder if anyone will say anything about it. The day of the auction is growing closer and I should be working on a new painting but all i have are smaller 8x10 canvises and 16x10 is a much more appealing size. If I had money I would buy so many 16x20's and pile them up in my room so that when needed I would take them out and paint them at my disposal.

I should lurch off to work... Morning shifts are always way eaiser and more amusing then a night shift but a pain n the ass to get up for... I cant belive that each Friday I would wake up at 5:30 am to take a train to the city...

i have learned that the city is like what Kyle says... its just another place. It wont make you happier by just being around you and it cant change you. A city is just a place where people live and what makes it is the people who live there...
i could go out everyweek to a club, laern the culture of it and enwrap myself in it but then again i do that quite nicely living here.

At least here its eaiser to escape when needed.

Monday, May 03, 2004
can we speak frankly?

why do you say these downright stupid things to me?

Are you trying to ignight my anger?

This is why your still a child- get some manners and go home- cry to your father and tell him im bad and i should be fired and thrown out.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Is it that big of a deal when I do? Must be. You never make mistakes- just set-backs. But I notice and say nothing and deal cause I understand that no one is perfect and its no pump to my ego to discover a fault in something.

A fault in the gears is just that- replace, fix, leave it or coax it. Standing there in your rudeness wont get the deal done and I wont work harder just because of the 'little' things arent right. I come in, hang my coat up and do the deal like an old pro and then turn in when i have to. I fight and choose my own battles and i see no point in making any simply because i have enough.

I find talking about things like makeup, hair and nails boring. I dont shave my legs for weeks, i tie my hair up messy and pull hangnails off in my teeth when they proove to be a hassle then spit them in the trash. I buy clothes when i need them and give them away when I am done. I don't mind the smell in the second hand shop simply because it can be washed out later when I go home. My shoes are beatten and ripped because I live them and I dance long and bust out hard. I adore the music because it sings to my soul and you cant get it maybe cause the record player had dust on it when you were a kid.