Tuesday, April 27, 2004
at night im shaking. maybe its all the represed fear in me i dont let out. I just deal and that what i do best but now its geting rough. They always come at night and they always cause me to sleep the worst. feelings of doubt, painful memories, feelings of lost... it must be coming up to may again.
its been 3 to 4 years depending on how you count it and i'm still a child on how i deal with the loss.
I am haunted by ghosts I cant hide and my dreams are horrible re-enactments of everything horrible i've done, had happen and allowed to happen to myself. I am a fish out of the fish-bowl gasping for air and i cant stop gasping.

Monday, April 26, 2004
There's a tear in my pants... i should get some thread for it.

The 5ive-on-it work week... how i despize it. All the DnB in the world can't save you from that hang-down... the menacing sour down from slaving away your youth. "Do you want Doubles? Matte or Glossy? Its a kind of paper.. no- thank you and see you tomorow"
It rained all weekend and i didnt have a chance to do the things i wanted to do... maybe i can switch it with Sarah and get a day off this week to do my things but then i'll have the saturday Drag and there is no drag like saturday drag.

Friday, April 23, 2004
Its gone.

The painting is gone.

I put pants on, made coffee and she came by and took it. I was Yuri watchng Laura leave from the attic as it got into the car and pulled out of my eyesight.

She loved it. First part of fear is over... now to win over the masses.

Thursday, April 22, 2004
working on an Artist statment... what do you think?

Ann Kornuta
The local Milton girl with big city dreams is often what I have thought of myself even thought I can’t seem to drag myself out of the wonders and enchantments of my small town roots. Since I was young I have always challenged myself in the arts in any way form to express myself in painting and in the cartoons I have been writing ever since I was a child of 12. When I was 15, I started up my own underground publication, “Agent Orange” as an outlet to express my extensive field of expression from cartooning to serious painting. The publication is now available online at www.agentorange.beatmatch.com and is updated every week. Since then my work has been featured in such Toronto Magazine publications such as “Neksis” and “Klublife”. If anything I am more recognized for my illustration and cartoon work but now in my 20’s I feel a strong feeling inside of me to progress forwards with my second love of landscape painting. I am most enchanted by Canadian artist such as Tom Thompson and often I find myself dazzled by the beauty haunting around me in my small remote paradise of Halton. I have chosen to romance with Acrylics for a while in my next upcoming paintings to achieve on how I see my cozy hometown in its thick and fruitful history.

everyday you wake up hoping to see someone smiling back at you.
everyday i wake up and i see my own face in the mirror looking back at me, half of what i lie about who i am to those i work with and with those i let into my house.
sometimes i wonder am i really here or just traped in that mirror.

Funny thing is- im hardly alone.

I would dread moving ot the city just to be surrounded by so many people and just end up being alone like that.

I guess if you keep growing you end up changing somewhat... your never the same person you were in Highschool- just a wisper of that child... parts of you look familiar but there will always be new and chalenging things that will mold and shift you into something else. So i cant say "I am this and this is who i am" because I might not be like that tommrow or the next day or possibly i'll be like that for a while and then grow bored of it...

maybe this solitude will be welcomed after some time

Wednesday, April 21, 2004
i clean i clean and i clean and i clean each day and each night and still i am unsatified so i start thinking will i be one of those sad sad girls who grows up to be unfillfuled and desprate for a fix? I cant stop wasting time but thinking im wasting it is going to turn me thick like wax and no amount of rubbing will get that out of a stain...

I wont do things because of fears i dream up at night and i challenge bordom with people instead of fessing up and being up on it alone like a hero should act.

This book i bought is acting much like the first time i read it.. horrors and violance and i place it down and have a cup of water and then go back all the while the words get up roaches and beetle squirm and move around in American Style Graffiti traffic jam that I dont know if i have read this before or not. The first time i read that book sliced pass me quick like wind and thats when i was at my lowest.. why cant the words come like they used to?

New comic went up this morning...

i stayed out way too late last night having fun that i almost forgot about todays comic...
i must remeber to take out plants so they can get some sunshine.... in fact...
i just sat them outside... its a great day, suns up and the plants are going to love it. Even in my garden i have a little flower coming up and its so exciting to see something grow from nothing there before amungst all the ciggarett buts and beer caps. if i can, i'll try to get into the dirt today and just hoe down the ground a bit and add a bit more fertilizer... need to get peatting to keep moisture in.
Im surpized my little xmas tree i got is still alive... i thought i killed him just after newyears, but i just fed him water like a mofo and now he's back to being cute and green and lovely.

4 more days of work untill my next day off... the last one will be the killer.

Monday, April 19, 2004
im so tired.

i'm tired of wakign up tired... this weekend was one of the most surreal weekends ever. Was i alive? Was i actualy moving around doing things or was that a dummy-plug of myself inserted into my body acting and thinking for me.

They are banging again upstairs!!! Whats the issue?? They got a dog or some kind of filthy animal upstairs geared to just piss me off???? MUST I PLAY MY HOUSE MUSIC SO LOUD IT WILL TURN YOUR HEAD GREEN?? Do they wait till 11 am just to do this??? Its sounds like they are taking the floor up...
on sat. they were playing frizbee on the lawn and smacked our window twice. Oh well... i wish they woudl just STOP banging.

Saturday, April 17, 2004
so i have just woke up on my day off from working the Milton Photo job and im looking at all the work i have to do around the house and managing a creeping head-ache from sleeping in. I can't find any music of intrest today so i'll just listen to my old house crap that no one digs but me- maybe it does put a hole in your head, maybe it does the same as sniffing glue... i got it on and thats all. its freezing in my house... the landlord shut off our heat as of April 15th but i swear he did it 3 days earlier... if the suns not up its dam cold and i have to turn the stove on to create some kind of heat to actualy wake up to.
Going to bed at night is far worse- i pace and pace and try to get warm so i can go to bed... im staying up to 3 am each night from pacing about it being cold.

I took the painting to work today and they all liked it. I figure they were just being polite since i havent gotten the reaction i really wantted from certain people that i was looking for.
why am i like that?
Maybe because i know i am not alone and i am not higher then anyone else.
Fuck that parinoia bullshit.

Friday, April 16, 2004
Great. After picking at it for a few minutes I get angry and I go for a walk. I decied im tough enough to walk around the mill pond at night and break some sticks, but my fear gets the better of me. I keep thinking "what if i run into his ghost when i'm here... what would I do if that happens?"
No wait- thats silly now... no such thing as ghosts....

Then from the waters edge a huge Blue Harron takes off from the sound of me stomping and i watch the image of dark blue sweep over the water like a phantom.

Now im scared and I walk quickly home to paint....

and i dont even throw my shoes off and i go

i paint insaine

i paint all out

and then... i realize i like the damn painting.

FUCK. how am i gunna give this away now???

Thursday, April 15, 2004
The painting im working on for the hospital auction is making me feel indiffrent... one one side i can see its brilliance and on the other i feel contempt towards it. I keep painting in sputs each time i walk past it thinking "i hate these windows" or "ah yes- i like that blue" all the time going back and looking at other landscape works and thinking "aw man, i hope they like it".

they wouldnt sell me a chicken today.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004
why cant they do brain transplants? i mean, is it possible?
maybe not- but that doesnt mean its not possible... who is to say what is and what isnt in todays world?


I still have plans to buy a pet chicken. what will the people think when i walk down the street with my chicken on a leash? Will i yell at them and be all "hey- why you'z looking at my chicken?? just cause we eat them doesnt mean they cant love!"

Have you hugged your chicken today?

Thursday, April 08, 2004
I'm feeling better after geting a hint that spring will soon be here. I long to be outside so i may paint again.
Maybe i'll paint better this weekend since im not happy with what im working on now. I should really go out into the field and paint, but i lack the funds for an Easile so i'll just be painting indoors for a while.

Sing, Black bird- sing... i long to hear your song in my heart.

@ Thursday, April 08, 2004

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

"I just read a comic about a yoong woman growing into adulthood who is still holding onto the dreams of her youth and trying not to lose sight of her ideals despite other peoples insisntance that she "act her age" or "get real" There's obviously some other scattered thoughts in there as well but I take that as representation of the authors overworked and unsure mental state." -Inkz

Thats why your my best friend.


http://www.agentorange.beatmatch.com/weeklycartoon.htm to see the comic.

@ Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Saturday, April 03, 2004

I will be known as Desperado Crush Mambo Combo- you can call me DCMC fer short.

i slept terrible last night- i was tossing and turning, my good arm swelling up in pain from the blood work i had done a week ago...
i could feel each vien sour with each movment and every second. It hurts when it's just lying there so i guess there will be no fun for me for a while...
when will i get my chance to paint again?
And it was terible dreams of past feelings so when i awoke i didnt feel like going anyplace but noplace.

the sun came out for a while and i had a chance to see a few hawks in the sky flying around. nice to see that they still remain even thoguh its being built up around here. I hope they never go.

Now what am i going to do tonight? possibly nothing and just head to bed.

@ Saturday, April 03, 2004

Thursday, April 01, 2004

"it not writen in the papers- but its writen on the walls
The way this country's devided to fall"


i want to paint my walls red- tear out the floor and play it loud.

@ Thursday, April 01, 2004