Thursday, October 21, 2004
"Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you"

I take out my passport to freedom and take the 6:50 to Mexico riding high on the rails of american injustice and fear escaping my fan club killer for the fourth time in a week.
THE ENVY OF ALL WOMEN SLEEPING IN CRUSHED LINNEN under and over painted streetlight warm orange glow. Here she is handlin' her issh'- you thought it was fun for a while but she came and made you vile cause you disliked how you looked in the mirror each morning and evening feeling as if a torn out newspaper clipping could rescue your soul. Now that her moment is up and she's the hit on the road she writes your phone number in the back of a bible and leaves it in the sunday bed and breakfast, calls up room service and gives the boy a wicked glare and demands for more bed sheets.
Her motives raise more questions then they answer but she always carrys on and brings home her smile to the one who waits... let them play their jazz records and dance all night if they want to, she's got it going on already and needs no proof to how they scorn her for being so insationable. She's magnetic and kinetic falling when she swings her hips in the gleem of rainy Toronto city nights... keep the party on the street when you move your feet alone and going to home.
SHE NEEDS A MAN OF VERY LITTLE WORDS but very high minded ideals. The kind of jerk you used to pick on for looking at you cross-eyed when you sneered a quote so flimsy and weak it made your own chest hollow out to hear your words smack your eardrums so weakly. The kid you would tease and who would break your parents windows when your back was turned- a sheep killing dog who can look his own mother in the eyes and lie and lie and lie. She wants him because he's so bad but looks so good and appealing to her mother that she'll bake him little cakes when he stops by. Her partner in crime, its Bonnie and Clyde- she keeps him hidden and silent in the back and rushes in to back her when the one's and guns get thrown out.
No matter how hard she tries she cant change him- you cant sheer a sheep killing dog and no amount of collage diplomas will take the fire out of his eyes- just accept him for being wrong and watch him love you more and more...
a good woman knows never to chain a man down, make him run in circles, make him do tricks, bring home the baccon and make him change the lights, she just lets him be him and waits for him to come, ask C.L and stood up and talked over hard drinks with twists of lemon... "Now you want to right the wrong in your heart you must understand the reason you have doubt in there is because you want him to be more then what he is- he's a theif and a liar and a man thru and thru.. face it- all men are like that and you know how women are being one yuorself. Men get angry when a woman tries to make him change who he is because who he is was and is who he's always going to be and you were dumb enough to fall in love with him so why do you want to change what you got so wound up over? This is hard, but you have to be a strong woman or else your going to crush him or turn him into something you'll hate for years and years down the road cause no man is made out of putty and you are a woman and should know better. He will love you for leting him be himself and will worship you like a god if you just let him do just that- you dont like it dont waste your time changing him cause that will just end up horrible and you'll have blood on your hands again and i'm refusing to bail you out this time. Men just want a woman to be there and to suport them- do that and he'll be yours again no matter what and he'll love you and be your man, be the father and be the teacher for what he has created because you took the time to sit down and say 'this is the one and i know he wont run out on me cause i let him be him and he always comes back cause he knows i'll throw him out if he gets too into himself.' Your a good girl, Ahpook, and I like your style, but your too friendly and i know they all tell you that but dont ever let them change that cause we like you to be happy cause you are the envy of all of those other crazy girls under your boots." with that C.L reajusted his glasses and took me by the hand back to my man and we drove off back to suburbia to go loot for another night.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004
in the desire and rush of falling i forgot to mention my backup plan. the door didnt shut fully behind me when i left and if you search closely you will find it right where i left it.
When i shine i light up the whole room, cating out the shadows of doubt and pain all in my way i cant decree my wishes that i lauched out on the windowpain last week for those are lost and forgoten for now- will be visable when the frost has setted in. Concentrate, just let if flow in the soap-stained fingers to keyboard to reader, yes yes- commuication will be for this time only and runs ramped in the thoughts of poets and artists in the scribbles verbal berbal. Put your trust in the ideals that you cast out in your electric shadow on the concreate pavement in space and time and under your feet. For all time and any time the middle of the mayhem that we control and hide from them will always be the new vission hoast of keeping it real. Will we lose or win? I thought it was all about haves and havents- dont i have what you need? i know i have it in me but never enough for myself. Outreach your telescope and have a look in the skies of the land of athousand leaves, the harvest is on and we celebrate the strength in our hearts for we know that there is no time left to run in the back corners of doubt and pain. Cast out your rage, cast out your doubts, set in the breath and blood of high speed chases apon chaos and fear.
In due time and light i can take off my clothes and retire for the night, but there is enough time for that when i am older, tired and less likely to chase down the insainity of drivers who feel the need to scream around my apartment corner late at night.