Thursday, October 26, 2006
WHERE ARE YOU NOW....Big L came by today with advice on cleaning the dishwasher along with one of those Lifesavers Popsicle I always rant on about … that’s all I ever wanted- just a popsicle- just one damn popsicle- I was lucky she could hunt one down since the cold weather. Everyone had problems searching for my one and only sickbed desire. Some maidens demand flowers grown on the farthest mountains on the furthest side of the world, me, I just want my lifesavers.
I feel trapped the more I regain my strength. I sit silently in the dark office in my housecoat at most hours if I am not sleeping in bed or watching the passing news hour headlines. (Old images growing up of lying sick in bed and hearing the CBC on the radio passing away the hours of the days.) Big L helped to clean my place up and I eagerly followed her around talking cheerfully to the point where I was exhausted to be on my feet for so long. I was simply delighted she came by on her day off to help me I could not excuse my behaviour. It has also been a while since I could even address my visitors because of how I looked and felt.
Still, my visitors come and go and I am trapped behind soap-oil paint doors as the season changes before my eyes.
The desire to paint is coming back. I keep the work strung around the apartment as a reminder to myself to either finish the job or at least be aware. Sometimes it is best to keep something in progress in view at for a longer period. Ideas come and go, the mood can change, something does not work, something more is needed- a good painting can have the potential to be a great piece with careful observation. Add strong decision making to that as well and buddy, you have the makings for someone who knows what they are doing. As long as you can prove that you understand and know your craft to some degree then who is anyone to question otherwise? (That was smart talk- wink)
The curse is how long I was overshadowed by illness that it has held me back confused and angry for most of the year. Now that it is winter the fodder of images I was to collect in the brighter, more colourful days of summer is not in my collection and all my streets and town buildings are cold hunched over grey-splotted clouds….
…and my mind burns under fever and illness as I lean back and imagine in my head because those images must come from SOMEPLACE if I am to survive this winter…
@ Thursday, October 26, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
ON THE MEND
Relief comes when I take hold of my ears for a few moments and then let go. They are so swollen and red from fever that even standing out on the porch for a good half hour seems like a good idea. At least I know my appetite was returning…
I feel as if I am on the mend the more concerned people are around me. Everyday people stop by, they bring tea, cold soda waters, popsicles, movies, Peter and Miriam even made me “Get Well Soon” Stew and Miriam was so sweet to call me up later to advise me to heat it up for a while since the veggies were still a bit tough… listened to advice between mouthfuls of beef and potatoes… Mom and dad brought clean clothes, Tylenol, salts, homemade chicken lentil soup- the sensation of hunger sweeps through my body as I was starving- barely ate anything when sick.
Going with the theory my sleeping issues were, in fact, the mono harvesting inside me all this time. The general sickness all mono- what broke its balance in my body was, possibly, that reflexology treatment I went in for…
…I mean, I was warned- but if it was then bully for it since I know I am truly on the mend at this minute.
@ Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
THE BURNI knew when I fell out of bed this morning nothing was good. My throat was burning up and on closer inspection I noticed white globs on the right side of my tonsils. I crawled to my phone and first called my doctors office- machine answers. I hang up. Its Wednesday, I remind myself- the office is always closed on Wednesdays. My next plan of action is to call Big L and get my arse off to the emergency room since a swollen throat is never good. I guessed Big L had a day off and in no time she was there to once again drag me to the frustrations known as our local hospital.
NOONI register myself and we sit down with the CTV news feed in our face. Thought: “Ugh- day news” and closed my eyes for a while. Big L and I just kept ourselves busy with conversation since there seemed to be a lack of magazines and newspapers in the waiting room. On one side of me, a bullshit young man’s cell phone rings and despite the posted rules. He yells at a young woman on the other line, “SHUT UP- I TOLD YOU WHERE I AM- WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME?”
He hangs up, takes out a copy of THE WALRUS and sticks a finger up his nose. I watch him dig, probing his brain as he tries to comprehend the paper in his hands. I have to turn my head away as he keeps digging away after 3 minutes.
Behind me, a young factory worker sits and keeps to himself. His eye is red and flaming up. I look up from him and scan the room. A few easy paintings, cracks in the drywall, a repair man fills up the candy snack machine as another day rolls by. There is no one else in the waiting room. I see a pile of dirt and dead leaves in the corners. There are oil smears on the windows.
ONE O CLOCKBig L and I are talking about old work times as I catch Garth Turner’s face on the CTV news feed. I pull my hand up and watch with intent. As the story rolls in about his caucus suspension I draw to my feet. I run. Amazingly I am running- something I haven’t been able to do in a while. “Where are you going?” Big L yells at me.
I don’t stop, just turn my head and yell, “Come and get me if the nurse comes- I have to call Don!”
Thru the doors, cell phone on, number dialing, out the doors, cold seeping in, lungs dyding, I get Karen and promptly ask to speak to Don. “You have any idea whats going on? Im in the hospital and-“
”What? What happened?” Don asks, killing my time.
(point of thumb, Korny- stick to the facts!)
I inform him. He is shocked. As he asks me for more information, Big L comes running out, “Ann- they called for you!”
Bugger. I tell Don quickly whats what and I hang up. A nurse looks at me as if I am crazy.
TWO O CLOCKThey make us sit in this exam room. There are two exam-chairs- one newer the other has a huge tear in the faux leather. Big L sits on a nearby stool and starts to spin herself around in circles- a way to pass the time. The factory boy sits silent outside our room- the next in line….
We keep talking, waiting for the doctor. After a while we get bored and we start searching the exam room for ways to amuse ourselves. I decide to play my usual “great faux moustache” trick with the tongue depressors as the doctor enters the room with an unimpressed face.
He looks me over- asks the same questions in case they changed, informs me of blood work and smartly assumes that I have mono. I laugh, “No way” and even Big L is shocked. He gets me to switch with the Factory boy sitting outside waiting for the room.
“Mono?” The boy says to me as we cross paths. “No wonder they put you in before me” and he chuckles. Big L and I sit on chairs outside of the room and I bend my neck around the door and smile at him. “What you in for, cowboy?”
(one comrade to another quip quip)
“I think I got something in my eye,” He says- his eye all red and tearing up.
THREE O CLOCKThe Factory boy leaves the room and a nurse turns the room’s lights out. Big L and I sit in the hallway- we wait. After a while I get up, walk down the hall and grab another chair. I place it next to my chair. I lie down, foetus style, legs dangling off the edge.
”What are you doing now?” Big L asks.
“I’m tired and I need to lie down and they wont give us a room so what else can I do? It hurts to sit up.”
I close my eyes and my rest is interrupted by nurses coming and going, patients, opening and closing doors…
The janitorial staff makes comical jokes now at me. I sneer them off. Cant douse my glower power.
Nurse comes to take my bood. She puts us back in the waiting room since the chairs have arms…
As we walk in, Factory boy walks out and says “I am going home!” with his arms up. We congratulate him and we go around looking for more magazines to read. I dig up that copy of THE WALRUS for Big L and I grab a shitty women’s shopping magazine called LUCKY. As I finish LUCKY I notice blood stains all on the back cover. I get up and wash my hands in disgust. Sitting back down I see a large beetle on Big L’s shoulder and I flick it off. We then spend the next moments counting the amount of beetles in the emergency waiting room.
FOUR O CLOCKPatience is wearing thin. I can see a new Nurse shift starting. I am becoming drifty, hungry, tired. I start pacing slowly around the waiting room as a few nurses point and ask to why we are still here. The Bull Nurse at reception says “Waiting on blood work” and they walk away.
I start to feel as if I am forgotten.
I walk up to reception and they finally call my name.
They shove us into a better room, this one clean, no tears and with fresh blankets. Right away the doctor runs in and says “Yup. Mono. You’re off for one month!”
The 4:20Big L and I finally get home. I change into my housecoat and reflect on another wasted day in the local hospital with a big bottle of water in my hands. We eagerly await for our TV shows to come on as I scan the news feeds for information about Garth and catch him addressing the media live on CBC.
Another day in suburbia, another reason to cry, it rains, it pours, I keep going because I just gotta. Does it disillusion you? Does it hurt inside? It does hurt. My whole jaw hurts, my body aches and my attention spans shortly.
@ Thursday, October 19, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The City
When Pat and I went to Niagara Falls, we did many things. One of the fool things that I did when I was there was to follow him after we got out of a random Ferris wheel down the back of a hotel parking lot. He kept persisting with me that we wouldn’t get closed in after I pointed out we should turn around and go towards the crowds- I think the air of exploration and adventure was running in auto mode in his skull and since it was the long weekend I picked up my heels and trailed off behind him. Bully for Pat that my mind was more set on discovering the cheesy side to Sarah’s home town- the part which she detests and the part that is miles from her home yet Niagara Falls has that boon off smell and feel of Sarah in ever dusty corner and in every open broken down field.
After 10 minutes of obviously walking into a parking lot trap we decided it possibly was not the best of choices to walk this route. Off to my right, a man dressed in shades of navy and black materialized through the chain link fence and into the parking lot and he strode off not giving us a look. Soon down the line we found a hole in the fence and as a gentleman does in instances like these, he held the hole open wider for me as I inched down and thru the hole. A sprawl of open field- dead land between two motel 6’s and a parking lot in Niagara Falls- home to snails and men in shades of navy and black.
We stomped down and over tall grass and gravel towards streetlamp glow. I could feel it run thru my legs. I could feel the sensation and brutality. Gone yet never forgotten. City ghosts through cracked wild flower stains.
When you get on the high points and look out on the real land that is Niagara Falls, you can see her in every dead land field. She speaks to spirits. She is the high priestess. She can dance in this dead and rotting land of fake dreams, fake promises, heavy metallic city lights and the persuasion of affordable passion.
….
Its higher passion I am searching for. A higher communication forgotten between those behind TV screens, LCD monitors and injected with headphones, cell phones. Anyone can set their self to a higher communication as long as they have the shareware. The only hassle is getting the right reception. Its best you get up higher- above the wires and electricity of a city before plugging in. Then its just a matter of fishing for a signal.
If you get up high enough the signals are everywhere. Overpowering. I can pick out my receivers, dial up and upload the message. The transmittal of information in this manner is addictive and great care must be set into place that one doesn’t stay plugged in for too long…
…habit forming, making gestures slapping the arm and twisting a finger to the side of head. One you are plugged in its hard to disconnect.
@ Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
THE WHOLE TOOTH
Thursday was a total write off. I could not even get out of bed because the pain was constant and burning not only in my jaw, but also in my entire mouth. The only thing that made me roll out of bed and attempt to dust myself off was the phone call my assistant editor made around 11am. He did not like the sound of me so I called the dentist.
It turns out my masterful plan to wait until my medical insurance was set backfired and the right wisdom tooth grew in with infection. Tooth pain is not fun. Who would think that teeth could throw you down for a loop? Apparently tooth pain is common enough that once you explain your symptoms to someone their reaction is always the sympathetic response of “Iwch- that’s not right, girl.”
My whole life has shut down. Production is at a stand still. Emails just pile up and the phone is off the hook.
I got a call from my brother- (never good when the brother calls) on Friday alerting me that Ollie passed away that morning, all shocking and very sudden. Added to the infection, anti-bios and pain killers the past 2 days have been a serious blur of sleeping and quite lulling around the apartment.
I only made one attempt to go outside today for a photo op that closed down or never happened. Maybe the drugs are making me confused and I have my days messed up again. All I know is when the foul weather passed I took off to the job and no one was there- possibly rained out.
Story of the month- it rained, it rained, it rained on me.
RENTALS
The consumption of coffee and menthol cigarettes piles up in the white plastic trash bag by my front door as they come in and leave. Its visiting hours in the apartment and they all feel sorry for the predicament that fate has tossed me this time. I sit with my jaw out clutching smoke, caffeine, controller in hands with static running above my head as my guest’s burn off the current stories of the week. I dip in and out always coming back to the jumbled mess of ideas in my head struggling to come out in a clear stream of communication.
Trying to focus on what is new and exciting when there is so much old, frustration in your way is difficult, and some find it hard to deal when I am in this numbed state. I go from one large dump of information to periods of long dull silence as I try to sort thru the piles of ideas in my head.
The call for the wake up came when I looked around my office and made note the best way to clean up and motivate the mind was to first rearrange and change the workstation into something new. New beauty is needed all around me if I expect to shove off into a new direction.
I have dreams of walking to the studio each day, coffee in my hands, spring in my step, off to work, off to somewhere else where its jus WORK and not PLAY. Something with lots of light and not cornered off somewhere- away from neighbours shuffling and banging (off to new neighbours and more shuffling).
A house would be more appropriate, yet as I challenge one disaster to another every 3 months home ownership seems more like a dazzling dream of some idiotic kid who refuses to leave home, grow up or buckle down.
@ Sunday, October 15, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Wednesday-
10am
I started the day with a quick visit with the financial brokers at the bank and a quick deposit. Easy come, easy go.
Had an 8 star coffee at Express Yourself. I am digging the pumpkin spice. The coffee went down easy, clean, the nutmeg has a warming effect on the body when ingested much the same as cognac.
2pm
Started off with smaller canvas and the cheaper watery paints I got on a discount. Opened the window to let more natural light in, turned to itunes, select next in party shuffle. The music is a dripping avant-garde guitar riff- I start with orange, hold bottle in hand and squeeze down in the direction of the canvas.
2:30pm
Smoke break. A strange electronic polka has shifted onto itunes. The canvas is more like a painting now, blobs of wet thick paint contract as the air escapes. The weather has slightly improved that it has stopped raining yet I am not impressed since it still looks foul.
The long wait before step two is never on my list of most enjoyed activities. Its rather dull, boring, and only provides a gap of time to address something else such as chatting quickly with friends or cleaning my crumbling apartment. It only heightens my attention to the current state of my environment as I could mess the entire piece up if I don’t have some sort of control over my own desire to work.
Side Notes- Apartment.
The stove has been broken for over a month. The deck is rotting away. The toilet has had better days- the handle falls off because its too lose- the pumps go fishy and you have to jiggle the handle and then it comes off in your hands. Gail broke the paper roll holder. The fridge works well only 50% of the time and leaks, holes inside are masked with painters tape. I want to rip up the carpet. The windows are leaky and all the faucets drip.
4pm
I like to get a good look on things- one real good long look of what’s really going on and just soak everything in from the colours, the scents, background static, lighting (lighting most important). I am searching for the sign of attraction, what attracts me and what attracts you. When I lose that signal I lose interest, the picture fades and I am playing the rewind in auto mode trying to junk start the emotion- injecting pure pleasure straight on- lasts only as good as its pure liquefied attraction that bleeds from the mind.
@ Thursday, October 12, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
ON TOUR
Day one into the tour and already the feedback I am receiving is amazing. I am working at a strenuous pace, staying up all night, and ignoring housework, ashtray piling up in the corners…
The first hour was simply the worst. I was shut up in the stone house pacing back and forth as I waited for the first arrivals. I decided to make coffee- which always turns into a disaster (don’t ask me how I can mess up something so basic- I wasn’t thinking straight). The coffee was too strong and as I took the mug from my lips I thought it futile to dump it and brew a fresh pot. Inkz and Luke would soon be arriving, maybe they would bring fresh coffee.
Cut to a scene of Inkz spitting out the first sip of my “home brew” coffee into the sink and yelling “How can you mess up something as simple as a cup of coffee right now??”
Already a huge success! Already two paintings have sold (Narcoleptic and The Beach) and many illustration pieces!
On for day two and later more updates!
@ Sunday, October 01, 2006
ALL ABOUT ANNK!
I am a painter, I eat, sleep, talk. I slack, I do housework. I write stories, I watch TV, use the computer.
I hail from Milton, my friends are from Milton. We live, we drink coffee, we sleep in little beds.
We are just like you only maybe not as close.
Y
MY LOVELIST
I love...
apple juice, cookies, warm summer mornings, books, cotton fibers, pastel coffee mugs, holidays, flowers,
French, rainy days, fresh laundry smell.
I also love playing Earthbound!
N
MY HATELIST
People who smell like pea soup.
HOW TO GET AN ANNK
- I like flowers. Girls like flowers.
- I like comic books- ones
with crazy stories in them. That is a sure win.
- I need spray paint... to umm... decorate. Girls are totally
into that decorating crap.
- I have my eyes on Leonard Cohen's new book of poems.
- I like video games so make sure you buy lots of tokens for the
arcade at the theater.
Recently bought CD:
The Breeders Last Splash- Third time buying this album and this time
is for keeps!
Please leave me a message and I will bet back to you ASAP!
PLEASE VISIT MY FRIENDS PLACES!
{♥} Greg
{♥} Sarah
{♥} Gail
{♥} Colin
designer : kathleen
image : jde
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Too True, too rude
