Sunday, November 19, 2006
It does bother me how he looks at her. He told me one summer he curried her fancy more then mine. When he told me, I laughed and tried to abandon his heart as if it meant nothing to me. However, I remember I silently screamed in pain when he looked at her. I will admit I was quite taken with her as well and had plans to take her far away from him for I saw someone just like me only not quite me...
…her eyes did not reflect- they received- a connection between us we both understood. It is impossible to see yourself in those black pool eyes of hers. She is so beautiful that you are looking for her in those eyes you are running from yourself for you are not worthy of such beauty…
He dreams of nothing but her. He has her picture on the wall and took mine down, runs off when she calls and I am lost walking in the hallways haunted by the ghost of the better woman for a man I want nothing more from. Yet his love for her makes me shamed and leaves me beaten. I could have tried harder to keep him closer yet when I remember how he hurt me, I want nothing more then to escape his grasp.
I do not want his love yet he has a way of making you want it when he rejects your smile.

It has been so long ago and it still pains me for I am jealous or disappointed in my own abilities to have any control over my emotions. I refuse to think I should reject my emotions for the better of a situation since that’s not me and that’s lying and though I am not perfect (because I still get jealous or disappointed) I’d rather not lie and be less or equal to those I have left behind. If I never find another connection to hold onto I have to be the one stuck in my own green eyes each morning trying to figure out why I cant see my own reflection.

Though now I am stuck in the eyes of another casting out all what was behind me and pulling the alarm out of the socket to plug it back in for the stroke of midnight. It is always 12:00 here with him, I only want to be there and then and now when he is around me.
and the reason I adore him is he doesn’t question why I look into his eyes as I soak it all in