Wednesday, September 20, 2006

LETTER FOR YOU

It still bothers me that its been over a year and he still spells my name wrong. Everyone wants to add that horrible ‘e’ at the end of the name may it be out of familiarity or for colour, nuance, and lack of concentration when I enter the room. It pains me horribly and always has when adults or people older then me would fuck up something as simple as my name which is why I changed it at a very young age. Even that didn’t work.

Helen looks at me and tells me I am inhibited by a very old soul, which is why I am the way I am. It’s a wonderful way to add colour to my frustrations, but if you stick with her theory on life that we all carry a gift from those who are connected through blood in our families it can be very romantic.

However, it’s the horror that he cant even write my name right after all this time then the context of the letter that sends me into painful hatred for men such as him. It tells me he doesn’t even bother, doesn’t care, cant see that I am only a woman trying to meet the end of my mounting bills and get a hold of my life. That is just the way it is- dealing with the frustrations of following orders, directions and then having to look at yourself in the mirror after its all said and done.

In my working state its all anger, fear, frustration and the urge to work faster. I can feel my body collapse all around me. I can feel the heat and the winter rush in and I fall to my feet and cry at the end of the day because I cant deal with the pressure of the demands from those around me. I am even telling myself when I am dreaming that its killing me when my eyes are shut- in those moments I romanticise that those bleak and weary days of my past are going to find me and take me out in the eyes of the public and I wont be able to use any amount of wit and charm to get out of the situation. If its not that, I think my only way out of it is to run away or get myself into a situation where I am robbed and taken far away from everything that I love or hold dear to me just to have the prefect excuse that I am sick of it and I cant deal with the frustration they put on me.

Please don’t lose hope in me- just don’t. Please don’t shake me off, please don’t. Just give me some time to get it together and I promise I can get back on my way.

But this was all in the theory of work and ethics- get me away from my work for a while, let me see colour again and I’ll be fine.

However- I cant tell him this. I always have issues with people when I try to be honest and tell them that I need a break since so many people rely on my constant prolific behaviour and its this steady production of work that feeds their need in the same way a junkie craves junk. You tell them no after a while and they get angry, violent and forget. It’s the same thing in my relationships- you tell them you need a break and suddenly you are the worst and meanest person in the world.

“You selfish, ugly, horrible consuming brat,” I yell at the top of my lungs. “You only need me for what you crave to live in, you fucking blood-sucking whore! Did you ever stop to think that you are feeding off the very thing that gives me joy and wonder in my life? Should I cut you off now and sleep with your brother, your father, your mother, your enemies and your friends to make my point? Should I raise my fists and bloody your face to get you to understand the general ideal of respect? You have it too easy, my Capitalist friend- you are not the lowest extension of the gears in the machine so you have no idea what its like when it starts to break down!”

On the other end of the stick, its all “How can I have faith in you when you just don’t come thru?” I know my ways, honey- this is just the worst of the anger and I do want to trust you so please just give me the time to work this. I do want to fee free again and I am just telling cause I really do want to have faith in you yet it hurts because you always fool me. The questions I face are do I tell him I am weak to get the time I need?

AnnK needs time for what she wills to grow in, my dear pook.





“Stop this diddle daddle

And this foolish prattle

Come on kill me boy

Swing it brothers swing”






 

@ Wednesday, September 20, 2006

ALL ABOUT ANNK!

I am a painter, I eat, sleep, talk. I slack, I do housework. I write stories, I watch TV, use the computer.
I hail from Milton, my friends are from Milton. We live, we drink coffee, we sleep in little beds.

We are just like you only maybe not as close.

Y

MY LOVELIST

I love...
apple juice, cookies, warm summer mornings, books, cotton fibers, pastel coffee mugs, holidays, flowers, French,  rainy days, fresh laundry smell.

I also love playing Earthbound!

N

MY  HATELIST

People who smell like pea soup.


HOW TO GET AN ANNK

- I like flowers. Girls like flowers.

- I like comic books- ones with crazy stories in them. That is a sure win.

- I need spray paint... to umm... decorate. Girls are totally into that decorating crap.

- I have my eyes on Leonard Cohen's new book of poems.

- I like video games so make sure you buy lots of tokens for the arcade at the theater.

Recently bought CD:
The Breeders Last Splash- Third time buying this album and this time is for keeps!


Please leave me a message and I will bet back to you ASAP!


PLEASE VISIT MY FRIENDS PLACES!

{♥} Greg
{♥} Sarah
{♥} Gail
{♥} Colin

designer : kathleen
image : jde

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Too True, too rude