Thursday, February 03, 2005
Jane passed away monday at 10am while in a deep coma. I found out what was goin on saturday morning and litteraly droped everything i was doing to go be by her side. I showed up in the hospital on sunday to her in a small room on the thrid floor of the building. she was heavily sedated, but woke up momentarily when my father, mother and i came in. I was told that she was in a lot of pain so i was not aloud to touch her and she because she was heavily medicated and she probably wouldn't respond if i said anything to her. I sat down in the chair, still with my coat on, and watched her- my eyes fixed to hers looking for a moment of clarity that i knew wouldn't come but still hopeful. i am always hopeful.
I sat there in the room with my mother and father for two hours watching her drift in her sleep, i watched her mumble and snooze in the afternoon and worked up the currage to find the beauity and wonder of this woman that I have always been delighted with. It was hard to put aside the chains of the hopsital garb and neckbrace she was in, but in moments, i saw that wonder and beauity that i have always loved about her. "Always be strong, Jane- always stronger then all of us- even in your worse moments" i kept thinking. I had to be strong, i refused to break down in front of my family for their well being and as i left i reached out and touched her foot and said "Goodbye, Grandma." and choked back my tears and knew those were going to be my last words for her.
i am sorry i couldnt have said things such as "I love you" or "You mean so much to me" or "you out of everyone have given me the strength to go on and to always be strong" but i knew if i had said those things i would have fallen apart and i didn't want to be weak that day.
It is thursday now- it's funny because it really hasnt soaked in yet. She has always been there and now that she isnt it's hard to realize that she's not. i am really horrible for coming to terms with events- i need months to really figure out things are over or that a matter is done and over with and that is justthe way i have always been. I will have my closure when everything is finished and she has been taken care of.
Mom and Sue whent thru the house the past three days I was stuck in suburbia. I wouldn't want that chore, but now i know what must be done of me when the time comes for myself to be care taker of my familys estate.
I told my mother a dark and scarry piece of my anger this evening- something i kept hidden from her for years now. Event's that happened after Orlando death that made me grow sour and twisted. my mother had no idea i was carrying such pain in my heart, but i told her there is a lot of pain that I still carry in me of things she has no idea about. I told her I was just being strong and she told me i shouldnt have to be the barrer of such pain but i didn't listen since that scar is deep and twisted in my heart and will never be fixed by me pineing it over to unwelcomed ears. She knows and understands of the injustice that has been on my head for the past 8 years of my life and is marvled at how i can keep myself together. I just work- put the pain into something productive and silently colapse over it when no one is around.
my mother said i was sneaky for the knowlage i had within me. I knew things that were only privlaged to her and Jane and when she asked me how i knew i simply said "I asked and i was told." Mom said "You could get a monk to spill his guts out, you know that- the way you can sit down with someone and get them to open us is astounding for a woman with an afuly large mouth." I gave her a wide-eyed smile and told her that it was safe and secret within me and passed on the information to pook when i got home.
pook is a good man. he understands everything. heh- you might not like him or understand him or his actions but i do. i see past the projected image and see the bountless wonder inside of him and i always saw that. Argue what you want, but i do my things for a reason and that is something to lose sleep over. i dont lose any sleep, though- i sleep next to him at night and know he understands and keep him in my pocket because there is no way out from there. he listened to my words that night and understood what was to be done of him when the moment comes up.
may that moment not come for years now.
"Oh- i almost forgot, Ann- there is one more thing that belongs to you." mom said reaching into a bag. She handed me the carving i made for Jane when i was 14 years old. That hurt the most- it was a realization that it was over and it was coming back to me. i never thought the carving would be mine again. it isn't even patiqulary great, but for the tools and skill of a 14 year old girl who has never carved wood before in her life it was amazing. i remeber i worked so hard on that piece, sanding it in my spare time, obessing over every little detail. I took it in my hadns and walked upstairs to my old room and stood in there looking at what my room has become holding it in my hands and then placed it on my old dresser. "no, not yet. i will be fill of sorrow and pain endlessly if i am to bring it home with me now." and walked out, leaving it on my dresser.
i cant belive she is really gone.