Saturday, August 28, 2004
I dreamed a dream last night and I realized i missed her.

I was workign the photo job and somehow i woke up in her room at 6 in the morning- possibly i crashed there the nigth before but how is that possible? i must have been down and out for a place to crash cause her and i dont talk anymore and she doesnt even live here.
I wake up in her room at 6:45- paint and trash are still strung about, something i'll never forget about her place. Even in the dream she is gone but im still there for some odd reason and to avoid causing a scene with her parents as to why i grab my few paintings i broght with me, stuck my cat in my jacket and there i sneak out before they wake up.

Its cold and almost October as I walk to work and somehow hours pass as nothing as they often do when I am at work- just reading horrible Pulp Fiction comic books to idle my waste of time behind the counter.

as i leave work, i bump into her brother and i tell him the funny thing that happened and he invites me back saying "you should grab some of her paintings, you know? we just gunna throw them out" so i go back, take an elevator to her floor and stand outside with him there as he's leaving and he tells me i can go in once the doctor gets there. I dont know of any doctor or what is going on, but a young woman of 30 walks up wearing scrubs and carrying a note clip comes up and i great her like an an old collage friend and tell her im just here for the paintings and she lets me in.

i notice there is no one living there anymore- no furniature, just barren stuff tossed here and there. Evidance of a mural she was working on was on the wall- small quaint French counrty side mossaic in acrylic. Her old bedroom had stamps in a rainbow of colours and sevral paintings still hang on the walls but i never remeber her once ever painting those.

"the family that was here is gone. They took them away. Apperantly we figured out that they have been scaming the apartment owners for some time. We moved in after the smell started to attract attention from other tenenants. When we moved in it was a nightmare- trash was strung about carlessly and there was a dog that looked like he had not been fed in a few days whimpering by the balcony. You know the family?"
"i used to be the girls best friend. we had a falling out. Somehow i came here last night and I dont know why... i came back to get her paintings"
"ah- yes the paintings. You are a good friend" she turned and said to me and i felt sick. I'm not a good friend, I ran out on her when the time got rough and i couldnt stand her. I was sick of the abuse i would suffer for years and years being with her and having to sit mindlessly as she stuck things in her face and saw how her own mother and father fell subjected to her intoxication as well.
So many to take, which one should i take? I look up on the wall and see a cartoon i drew for her years ago in a frame i gave her on the wall, reach otu with my hands and suddenly im in my own bed at home listening to the sound of Justin's alarm clock.

I remeber one time I stayed over at her place around her brithday when we werent talking much. I guess I wasnt cool enough for her or possibly i was cool but very weak *as i used to be back in those days* and out of pitty she left me sleep over. In the morning i wrote her a thankyou note for letign me stay the night which is odd because i have always stayed over there with little or no problem, but i left this note anyway for her and left quietly before she or anyone woke up to go to work.

I still worry about her from time to time eventhough i havent spoken to her in a long time. Even when she tried to warp me I would be there to bail her out- I never got far into it like she did and I worry for her sometimes still after all what has happened in our life.

Friday, August 27, 2004
no matter where i go or how i get there i know how to go. my feet just take me there blinded by my sight and fuled by my heart. Acting in a soul attraction for the lust of life- opeing energy, spend time for time
will time die out in a supernova gash of insucuirty?
i never though my time would run out- hypnotic brain need for an object or a feeling undiscribable as i grow into a woman, wiser to my anger and my sore need inside. no mater the day no matter the urge and no matter what you say i'll just keep going finding what drives me on since i dont know how to stop.

Friday, August 06, 2004
on my most frequent travel to the book store i heard a crying in my ear. little fuzzy was lost and needed a home. I scoop him up in my arms and take him home, lay out the rules *which will be broken* and decided that maybe this will be a good thing in the long run.

now i will come home to care for something besides myself- a new challange to face, but something exciting never the less.

he sleeps in my lap when i work, cuddles up to me when i nap and will be there when i come home each day to hrrrr away my problems.

Now to think of a good book to give him a name- I was thinking about Dean, but I will wait till I talk it over with a few people before i name him.